hairylunch (hairylunch) wrote,

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Roller Coaster

I told someone last night that life's a roller coaster, with the idea that life is full of peaks, thrills, deep wells, twists, and turns, and you're not in control, that you're on the car and you don't get to pick the peaks and valleys.  My friend mixed the roller coaster metaphor with a train with railroad switches, implying that we had some degree of control, though you often had to flip the switch w/o knowing what was coming.

The more I think about it, the roller coaster metaphor fails as life rarely has complete peaks.  There are parts that are good, and parts that are bad, generally overlapping - I'm not sure how often everything is in complete sync.  I can't think of a better metaphor - I have an idea of multiple roller coasters, running in parallel to each other, with various tracks representing difference aspects of life: professional, friends, relationships, family, health, etc. 

Maybe an enneagram-like shape, with each point representing one of those aspects - if everything is in perfect sync, you'd have a pointy star, fit to top a Christmas tree, but more often than not, it's lopsided, with some arms much longer than others.  I picture this in  constant state of flux, with the star pulsing like a living organism, with arms lengthening and shortening, the absolute worst parts of life looking like a ball, making it three-dimensional rather than a flat star . . .

My life has been so-so lately, with a pretty serious family issue, dissatisfaction with my professional life, some minor health issues that are reminding me that I'm growing older, etc.  While these tracks/arms were all pretty low, I felt the relationship one was the high point. 

Now, I'm not sure where that one is at now . . . earlier today, I just wanted to curl up and lay in bed, not quite wanting to face the day (though it's beautiful out today).  In fact, I did crawl back into bed, but almost immediately after I did so, there was a knock on my door (a local politican, campaigning for the Democratic primaries).   

I took that as a sign that I wasn't supposed to mope, so I forced myself to walk to the Hub, where they have the door and the garage wide open, the sun shining on their patio.  Even though I haven't crawled back into my bed, I'm still hiding here, somewhat distraught, a mixture of emotions coursing through me, my stomach flip-flopping as I nurse my genmaicha.

Perhaps, even the roller coaster or the enneagram don't capture life - life is tumultuous, with soaring highs, and painful lows . . . and it's relentless, with life never really reaching a steady-state, change constantly affecting you, throwing you around.  I think of a small ship on the ocean, being tossed around, but somehow managing to stay upright.

The way I tend to stay upright is by being emotionally cautious and guarded - by not exposing myself to some of these elements, I avoid the worst valleys, but I also rob myself of the highest peaks.  This strategy has limitations though, as my scattered emotional state right now suggests . . .

So, what's next?  I'm not sure . . . there are some things that are looking positive (career), but they're pretty faint glimmers at this moment . . . let's just hope I don't sink . . .

Tags: emo ernie

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