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Nature v. Nurture at 30
buzzed, B&W
I took a walk this morning, trying to sort some stuff out in my head, but I came back just as scattered, so let's see if writing helps coalesce this at all.

I was wondering about who I am, and what makes me who I am. At the core, I know that I'm an introvert, highly analytical, reasonably intelligent, quiet around strangers, etc. I know that I haven't found a passion in life.

I went with the nature v. nurture title as the environment still plays a huge role into who I am. When I lived in Montana, my circle of friends included a fair amount of partiers, drinkers, but also outdoorsy folks, service oriented folks, community leaders, etc. This lead to a pretty diverse spectrum of activities - hiking Mt. Helena regularly, growlers of beers with friends, organizing and participating in community events, leading My Drinking Team Has a Soccer Problem, incredible conversations, weekends full of debauchery, etc. I was still an introvert, and more nights than not, you could find me alone at Miller's (sipping on an IPA and shooting a few racks) at the end of my day (pushing towards midnight). This was my time where I'd process the day.

Here in Reno, I haven't developed the social network - I'm more of a loner now than I ever was before. I know a fair number of people, and have made some friends, but nothing like the group I had in Helena. That network in Helena pushed me - I probably would not have hiked Mt. Helena as often as I did without certain individuals, nor would I have organized or participated in as many community events, service projects, etc. I probably wouldn't have motivated others to participate in activites (snowboarding and soccer). Now in Reno, without those diverse influences, I find myself playing blackjack and drinking more than I should to fill some of the empty hours. Part of the difference here is that I think it's harder to get tapped in here. Helena was easy - a population of 30k simplifies things considerably.

Don't get me wrong. I heart Reno. I love the proximity to the outdoor activities (though I don't take as much advantage of this as I could / should), and I can't wait to go snowboarding this winter. I like the 24 hour town, even if it means I overindulge at times. I like all the food options (though this is mainly relative to Helena). I like that this is a small enough town that rush hour lasts for 15 minutes or so, but big enough that there are still hidden treasures to find.

One of the big things I miss though is the conversations. There was a diverse group of people, and no matter how mundane the topic was, we had great conversations.

I just wish I was more connected. I have lots of acquaintances, but few true friends. 3 years after the Helena diaspora, I guess I'm lonely. Bleh. I should work on this . . .