December 15th, 2003

buzzed, B&W

(no subject)

Wow, it's weird actually wanting something that might be out of grasp. In the past, I've considered myself a shoe-in for anything that I really wanted, or I didn't really care, and I'd settle for alternatives. Examples of things I didn't stress about that other people might have worried a bit about was college, standardized tests, co-op jobs, etc etc. In all of these cases, I assumed I'd be accepted or score well enough, or I just didn't care as one co-op was the same as another. I didn't really expend any effort towards them, but the TFA thing is different.

I'm not sure if this is because I really want to do it, or because this time I don't have alternatives if I don't get it, but this one is really stressing me out. I've caught myself really worrying whether I'll get accepted or not (there's about a 1 out of 6 acceptance rate). Letters were supposed to be postmarked by today for whether or not people were accepted or not. I can't figure out whether they sent it to my current address or my permanent address. There's a part on the application that asks where you want your acceptance packet sent (and that it's being postmarked on Jan. 5th). This is a bit confusing as the timeline states that this packet is really your assignment packet, not an acceptance one. So, who knows, maybe they sent my acceptance/rejection letter to MO, or perhaps it's in OH.

This is making me physically nervous. I actually had butterflies when I was going to check my mail earlier today (since the timeline says "Postmarked by December 15"). Crazy. I wonder how my life will be if I don't get accepted . . .
buzzed, B&W

Moods, Friends, and Churches

My mood this last month or two has been crappy. I'd say I have a mild case of depression, as I'm not satisfied with work. I've been sleeping more, and just doing lackluster stuff, trying to coast through till February when I'm done. Hopefully the change of venue and things will snap me out of the slump. (Of course, one might argue that this is false hope, and that I should be looking for a more fundamental attitude change, rather than a location change . . . who knows . . . we'll see in two months . . . )

The friend part is perhaps the one positive. I've been hanging out a lot, and we have a true friendship. He gave me a x-mas present last Friday when we went out to dinner. It's A Year with CS Lewis. It also had a great handwritten note, that was truly reflective of who he is and how he views me. He talked about how he believes a higher power brought us together, and that we fill voids in each others lives. While I'll agree with the latter, I don't agree with the former. I think this book will be great, and I'll probably start reading it the way it was meant to be, a passage a day, starting either next Monday or on 1/1/04.

This is also the friend who half-jokingly/half-seriously asked me to start a church with him. His faith is very strong, but he also recognizes that the traditional church has to adapt if they want their message to reach beyond the typical church crowd. Now there are churches that have modernized, from my parents to others which are even more liberal/modern. He describes many of these churches as "seeker" churches, for people who are "seeking" the truth. He asked me to be involved because he sees me as a seeker, someone who constantly questions, and believes I have the analytical/business mind to help a new business grow. While I do feel I could do this okay, I wouldn't truly succeed as I wouldn't be buying into the mission. I do think he's on the right track though, recognizing that a church needs some business background if it wants to succeed.