October 2nd, 2002

buzzed, B&W

Motivation

So, my brother and I were on Instant Messenger last night, and I was telling him about how it seems like I'm going to do "the cycle." Now, the cycle is when you end up sort of losing a day, as you stay up really late, wake up late, and eventually, you've slept 9 times in 10 days or something. In reality you've haven't lost a day. In my case, I'm probably up more hours, because I'm pretty consistently sleeping 6-7 hours each time. It's basically like you're on an extended day, like a 28 hour day instead of a 24 hour day. (Note the term "the cycle" was dubbed by a mutual friend of ours, but I can't link to his webpage since I don't know the address anymore.)

Anyway, that wasn't the point of this post. It's more that my brother responded "so you're being a slacker" or something along those lines. And I realized he's right. I am slacking. I lack motivation of any sort. I told my family after I graduated high school I lacked motivation, and I went through the motions in college. Granted I did well in the classroom, and took a couple leadership roles, but nothing that pushed me. People say that you can seek out challenge, but I haven't ever really sought it out. Is keepin myself busy, so I don't have free time a challenge? I don't really think so. I'm so used to things working themselves out, w/o my having to work for them. My junior year of high school would be a good example. I bleh off my junior thesis (which counts for maybe a quarter or your grade for english and American history for the year). I got 500/1000 on both the progress checks, but I still somehow got a C on the these, and my class rank only dropped two places in the process.

So, now, here I am, a bum, living in my parents home. I'm not working, and I'm only sort of looking for a job. I keep expecting something to fall into my lap, as it has in the past. Looks like reality has caught up with me . . .