hairylunch (hairylunch) wrote,

I hate my life

Okay, so I don't really hate my life, but I did say that the other night. It's not that I hate my life, I'm just frustrated with all the drama in my life. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm usually pretty happy-go-lucky, and take things in stride. For some reason, the combination of my mother, concerns about my future, a little bit of work, and some personal drama, is overwhelming me right now.

Part of it is definitely a synergistic effect. I don't think I'd be having any issues, but all this is happening at once, and I'm just not coping well. It's got to the point where I have little to no appetite and have to force myself to eat, it feels like I have an upset stomach all the time, I'm not sleeping, and I'm doing everything I can to distract myself.

I think the sleep thing is partly from my parents' visit. While I succeeded in staying on a normal sleep cycle, I'm only getting 5 hours or so a night.

Looking over this past week, I've been out every night except Monday (I think). And by going out, that means going to the bar, since I'd rather surround myself with my friends at the bar, than sit at home and have to ponder all the stuff in my life. I have a few other distractions as well, such as the web comics I read (and it's amazing how I start to appreciate the more cynical ones even more when I'm in this state).

Indoor soccer started last night, and while I'm surprised by how much fun it was, it's another source of personal drama. We play in an elementary school gym with a synthetic floor, and it's 4 vs. 4. Since only 8 people can play at a time, it's sort of an exclusive group, and it pains me that I can't invite some people that I know would like to play. *sighs*

Since I can't sleep, I went for a hike this morning (here's why this sounds familiar). Mount Helena was beautiful, with snow near the top, and the sunrise was stunning. Hiking made me realize that while I've been surrounding myself with people to avoid having to think about my drama, getting away by myself can accomplish the same task, as long as there's enough other stuff. This morning, nature was enough for that, though there were a couple times I did find my mind wandering to my future and other troubling thoughts.

I don't like the fact that many of the issues right now are emotional ones, and I'm not an emotional person. All these issues though have ganged up against me, and my rationalism isn't prevailing. It's funny - Kelly used to like talking to me about her struggles because I would present such a rational point of view, but now that it comes down to me, I'm being irrational about stuff, and not dealing with it well. Weird.

On a more positive note, Sarah's back in town, and it's been nice to hang out with her a bit. We've shot a good amount of pool together, and hiked Mt. Helena on Tuesday evening. I hadn't hiked up there for quite a while, probably a month or two, so it's nice to have Sarah back, since I know she'll motivate me to go up there, maybe even 3 times a week like we were doing before she left . . .


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