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17 Answers (and Questions)
buzzed, B&W

Questions provided by Mel

1. If you had to choose between the body of a 20 year old, and the body of a 50 year old, where would you keep it?

Umm . . . I have no idea what you're asking . . . are we talking where would I keep a dead body? Or are we pondering whether I'd prefer to have the body of a 20 year old or a 50 year old? And by have, do we mean the body I would inhabit, or a body I would have to put on display? I'm so confused . . . hopefully this will get better or this is going to be a painful 17 questions . . .

2. Name one bad thing you've done. And it better be evil. So evil you'd say "E-vil." Like the fru-its of the de-
vil. E-vil

I don't think I've done anything truly evil, since I believe that would imply the behavior was done maliciously. I've done stuff that was bad and all, but never with true malice.

3. What was the subject of the most interesting conversation you've had so far today?

Hmm . . . I don't know . . . I had lunch with Christine and Mel, but I don't remember any truly interesting topics. We talked a bit about the value of extremists, tree killing and online menus, new VISTAs, and weekend plans, among other topics.

4. Would you rather be smart and ugly, or stupid and attractive, and why?

I think this depends on how ugly or attractive. If we're talking movie star/celebrity hot vs. social outcast/live-in-a-cave ugly, I'd take stupid and attractive as I could live in ignorant bliss, capitalizing on my good looks (a la Paris Hilton).

5. Describe the most peculiar thing you did in high school in 20 words or less.

silly senior year
dated "young" sixteen year old
felt like junior high

6. If you could contact one person on a Ouija board, who would it be and what would you ask?

I don't believe in Ouija boards. To answer the question in the spirit (no pun intended) it was asked, let's say . . . Feynman? I'm not really sure . . . too many options . . .

7. How do you feel about a)pepsi, and b)popcorn?

a) Heavily sweetened, caffeinated, and carbonated beverages aren't my thing. I rarely drink such items - primarily limited to road trips, when I start getting drowsy at the wheel.
b) Tasty.

8. What do you currently smell like?

While I'm sure the people around me while I sit here in the library are wondering why I'm sniffing my hands and arms, I'd say slightly earthy, but mainly neutral.

9. What is your personal theme song, and why?

I don't want a personal theme song - I'd much rather have director's commentary, a full on soundtrack, or sound effects to accompany my life. (Not to mention I can't think of one song that truly personifies me.)

10. If you could choose one super-power to possess, what would it be?

This is always a good, late-night conversation topic. I think reading people's minds could be fun, but it would require the option to turn it off when desired. Teleportation and telekinesis make my lists as well.

11. What's the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?

While I've never been in love, I think in this context, loving someone implies platonic love, while being in love would be romantic . . .

12. What cartoon character do you feel you could best relate to?

I think I'm pretty similar to Davan from Something Positive. Other possible comic characters would be Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes and Dilbert.

If we're differentiating between comics and cartoons, Brain of Pinky and the Brain could be fun, or any of the Simpsons or Futurama cast.

13. What is your most irrational phobia?

Maybe kakorrhaphiophobia . . .

14. If you could be any inanimate object, what would you be? why?

I'm defining inanimate as non-living, as opposed to not moving . . .

If we're assuming I'd still retain consciousness and my senses, a droplet of water could be interesting. I could travel the world, experience the feeling of walking on air as I evaporate or a flake of snow, skydiving as a rain droplet, swimming all the bodies of water, etc.

If I only get to be a thing, and I'm completely unaware, I think I'd go with a valuable/interesting book. This way I would provide a useful service to others, and I wouldn't be disposed of immediately.

15. How do you incorporate frolicking in meadows and/or contemplating the universe into your life?

I don't.

16. Ok- you, Martha Stewart, Lucy Lui and the Pope are all trapped in Biosphere II and your oxygen source has been cut off. Rescue crews are 3 hours away. There is enough oxygen for 1 person for 5 hours, 2 people for 2.5 hours, all 5 of you for 1 hour; oxygen may last longer if you can keep everyone's spirits up. The only items you have access to are a tin of altoids, 23 bottles of puffy
paint, a Polaroid camera, a pistol with one bullet remaining, and a tv/vcr that plays Richard Simmon's "sweatin' to the oldies" over and over and over and over. what do you do?

Umm . . . when you say all 5 of you for 1 hour, do you mean there's someone else hidden there besides myself, the Pope, Ms. Liu/Lui, and Ms. Stewart?

The implausibility of the scenario bugs me as well - Biosphere II is now mainly a tourist attraction, and is over 7 million cubic feet. Air tends to be around 1/5 oxygen by volume, so what this scenario is implying is that somehow the 4 (or 5?) people "trapped," have lost access to 1.4 million cubic feet of oxygen. That's a lot of oxygen. Not to mention that Biosphere II is no longer airtight.

Anyway, I think I'd probably just pull a Pauly Shore and walk out.

17. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?</i>

This question has
been addressed by others more qualified than me.

extra credit may be awarded if you choose write a short 3
paragraph essay on one of the following topics:

a) Why is Barbie bad?
b) Outline a plan to successfully eliminate Starbucks by 2007.
c) Theorize how Walmart Supercenters could be linked to all
the evil in the world.

a) To truly answer this question, one much first understand what is meant by "bad." Some definitions:
  1. Not achieving an adequate standard; poor
  2. Evil; sinful
  3. Vulgar or obscene
  4. Not fresh; rotten or spoiled
  5. Sorry; regretful
  6. Full of or exhibiting faults or errors
Note this doesn't even address the context when bad is used in a positive manner, a la "Shaft is a bad motherfucker."

One must also identify if we're talking about Barbie as a piece of mass-produced plastic, or the concept of Barbie.

For the sake of this argument, let us use the first definition presented above, and Barbie with respect to the doll. In other words, "Why are Barbie dolls not achieving an adequate standard and/or poor?" This question is inherently flawed though, as it assumes that Barbie dolls are "poor." The author of this essay would argue that they're not poor, but instead that they are adequate.

In today's consumer based society, where disposable products are the norm, Barbie dolls are made at a sufficient quality to keep a child's interest for the few years before they move on to other diversions. The dolls are not meant to be keepsakes, and the price-point and distribution through major retailers reflects this. (The collector's line is a different story, but is an outlier, when compared to the vast majority of Barbie dolls sold).

In summary, Barbie dolls are not bad, but are mass-produced products that do a sufficient job of appeasing the masses.


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